So what is self-differentiation (also known as emotional maturity) and how do we know that we are developing it? Put as simply as possible, it is the capacity to stay connected to others without having our feelings and behaviors determined by them. We know we have it when we are able to know and do the right thing even in the face of pressure to do otherwise. This pressure is only sometimes overt external pressure from others. More often, it is internal pressure we call anxiety that surfaces when we are taking our emotional cues from others in the system or from old messages.

When we are operating out of emotional maturity, we do what we do because we have decided that it is the best course of action, not because we are too anxious to do otherwise. We can calm ourselves enough to make well-thought-out decisions. We act according to our deepest values and not out of a need to fend off anxiety.

Our emotionally mature actions may look very similar to our anxious actions but they come from a very different place. For example, as I become more emotionally mature, I may seek out opportunities to connect with the opposition in my congregation more out of genuine caring for them and less out of a need to please or manipulate.
I will control my temper because I value controlling my temper and not so that I will look good to others.

Take just a minute and sit quietly and imagine, "What if I was consistently able to stay connected to others without having my feelings or actions determined by them?" What would that look like? What would that feel like? Wouldn't that kind of transformation be worth the effort?