One common way we try to avoid or mitigate pain in the future is to make a vow. We respond to a painful or threatening experience by saying, "I will never . . . " or "I will always . . . " Some common vows: "I won't try." "I won't feel." "I won't get close." "I will win." "I will avoid." "I will be perfect." "I will make up for it." "I won't trust." You get the idea, right?

So how do we discover the vows or decisions we made as children? One way is to think through our painful or scary memories. Whether we remember making the vow or not, we may be able to discern a way of thinking that formed in response to that difficult experience and became a patterned way of dealing with the world. Another way is to look at a place in our lives today that isn't working. Sometimes we can trace a pattern back to its source. You may remember that I shared a story about the murder of my uncle. My vow was, "I will love You and serve You but I will not trust You." I only discovered that vow as I was working with a spiritual director to understand my seeming inability to form a consistent prayer life.

Vows matter because they form a default response in our lives--a way of being that shapes who we become and how we behave. Because it is a default response, we lose the ability to choose differently, to do something else. Do you remember the vows you identified at the retreat? Do you remember Jim saying, "If you made the vow, you can unmake it"? Have you begun the hard work of recognizing and undoing the vows of the past?